Having flirted with different levels of depression most of my life, I felt like I had a grasp on the experience. I had regular moments of ennui and listlessness angst and despair as a teenager ,times of grief or yearning in my twenties, severe postpartum with my first child, but nothing prepared me for the level of depression I experienced the past four years, since the pandemic shut down. I had healed myself from a panic disorder after 2 months in a rehab facility to get off of anti-anxiety medication, after a year was finally free from the symptoms of Xanax withdrawl , weather it was connected to that experience or independent, this depression came on strong, was accompanied by illness, fatigue and full body chronic pain, and it was relentless. In the past I had days when I was struggly and unproductive, unable to think or move, but would soon regain function. But I found myself unable to bounce back. Days turned into weeks. Then months. My ability to get out of bed or care had dwindled, to the point if something fell on the floor, that’s where it lived . Forever! No guilt or shame just a numb energy-less hope for the end of times. I ignored children, bills, friends, responsibilities in favor of weeping and distracting myself with online solitare to keep myself from binge eating or thinking nonstop about killing myself. And the thing is , I have a great life! The best really, self designed, full of wonderful friends family, passions and ideas. I have a safe home and all my needs are met. And still my incapableness was all consuming. My hair dreaded and matted to my head. I lost two teeth. I think most people with a near constant voice saying “everyone would be better with out you as a burden” would have killed themselves, but I had a sliver of clarity and even when I couldn’t see the clear spot, I remembered it was there. I knew my thoughts weren’t real and that I didn’t have to listen to them. My unique upbringing taught me that. I want to share what I have learned and change the conversation about depression. The hardest part was explaining where I was at. Why didn’t keto, yoga and gratitude journalling work to alleviate symptoms when they had in the past? This illustration is the start of that new conversation.
Bio:
ED Hose has been a freelance illustrator for 30 years. She creates children’s books, maps, portraits and gifts that can be found all over the world. She doesn’t look like she is starving , but ED is starving for the opportunity to make a meaningful contribution to the world through her art and writing. Her illustrations are informed by her own adventures with depression, obesity, panic and agoraphobia. The dream to create art that promotes healing self talk, and the curative power of creative thinking. “ I want to give a gift to be given as a gift” creating art that lights up the world. ED draws mantras, poems and concepts that focus on well being with a bit of humor and a pinch of puns. her whimsical detailed illustration style she calls “neurotica” and her scribbly drawing style she calls “chaotica”Find ED HOSE on Facebook, instagram, Patreon.com/edhoseillustration or under the sleepy oak trees of coastal Georgia , where she lives with her two teenage sons and something crawling in the attic. When she isn’t drawing, Ed enjoys making soup, upcycling found garbage into sculpture, staring into space and talking to crows.
- Collections: Fragility and Fortitude